“Connection is why we are here.
It’s what gives us purpose and meaning to our lives.”

TED talks are something that I really enjoy relaxing with in my spare time. The “problem,” for me, with TED talks is that they always, ALWAYS make me think. Sometimes those thoughts manifest themselves in actions, other times they stay in my mind and don’t travel to far.  This TED talk is one that is manifesting itself in real-time…

I recently was clicking around the TED website, and found a fantastic talk. It was titled “The Power of Vulnerability.” Before we get to that, here’s a primer for TED Rookies.

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The acronym TED stands for “Technology Education and Design.” When TED talks began years ago, they were focused on the technology industry; for example Sony’s compact disc (CD) was more or less officially debuted at a TED Conference.  In the nearly 30 years since their inception, TED talks have grown to encompass all kinds of different ideas; ideas that are worth spreading.

TED Talks encompass just about anything; from fascinating research findings, to pushing the world forward with new technologies, to simple talks about how to learn a new language.  For example, the very first 3-minute TED talk was about something that most people find very simple: how to tie your shoes!

Side note: the TED Talk iPhone App is a great way to discover new talks.  You can put in specific criteria like how much free time you have, what kind of mood you’re in, etc. – and it’ll beam up a very intentional TED talk playlist, just for you.  This is how I found the most recent TED talk that really intrigued me.

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Brené Brown is a professor at the University of Houston and author of the book, Daring Greatly.  Here’s a link to her website.  One thing that really caught my eye? Another one of my favorite books, Half of a Yellow Sun (and the author, Chimamanda Adichie also gave one of my favorite TED Talks titled The Danger of Single Story) is “on her nightstand,” listed on the right side of her website.

While I haven’t read her book just yet, hearing her TEDx talk last night inspired me to go ahead and purchase the audiobook version, and it quickly jumped to the top of my summer reading list.  It was delivered at a TEDx Event in Houston, and it appears that the theme was all about expanding perceptions.

Thousands of stories over the course of six years. This was the research that was was the basis for Brown’s talk and it has many highlights, many of which are at the mid-way point of the talk.  These are some that stood out to me. The “they” that is consistently referenced below are Brown’s aforementioned subjects:

• They had the compassion to be kind to themeslves first, and then to others, because as it turns out we can’t practice compassion with other people if we can’t treat ourselves kindly. And the last was that they had the connection – and this was the hard part – as a result of authenticity. They were willing to let go of who they thought they should* be, in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely to do that for connection.”
• They fully embraced vulnerability…what made them vulnerable made them beautiful.
• The willingness to say “I love you” first. The willingness to do something where there are no guarantees. The willingness to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out.

“In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, and to be seen. Let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, and vulnerably seen.”
Brené Brown

A friend once said to me, “I don’t want to work so hard and have nothing come of it.”  A bit pessimistic, yes, yet in reality this is actually one of my biggest fears, also.  While I am always confident in the fact that if I put hard work in, results will be delivered, the raw reality is that this is not always the case.  It’s no reason not to try, but that voice tries to convince us not to pretty consistently.

What did I learn from all of this? From watching this TEDx talk, from re-living conversations within that context, and applying some of her findings to my own? Life is a crap-shoot.  You never really know whether or not something is going to work out but if you don’t take that chance – if you don’t make yourself vulnerable – you’re always going to have to wonder “WHAT IF.” You can’t be confident that you put your best foot forward, instead you will wonder what if you had taken advantage of that opportunity. Sad, but true.

I think of this, especially, when I think of interpersonal relationships.  The notion of the invite – inviting someone to join you for an event, a meal, an outing, or anything – and being unsure if they will reciprocate.  Risking awkwardly inviting yourself because you enjoy their company, even if you’re unsure they’d enjoy the same.  You’ll never know unless you try.  And when you try, connection can be made – because you put yourself out there, you made yourself vulnerable.

As I think about all the freshmen that are coming to campus in a few weeks, and I think of moving for my job in the next year, I keep thinking of the word “transition.”  From where I sit, vulnerability facilitates positive transition. Putting yourself out there in a trusting, authentic way can be frightening and at times it’s perfectly acceptable (and even advised) to have your guard up. If you want connection, you have to be vulnerable.  You must have the courage and compassion to be vulnerable.

Let yourself be seen. Don’t numb. Practice gratitude and joy. And believe that you are enough.

For today, that is all. Thanks for reading. :)

*For more on my understanding of the “Tyranny of the Should,” see this link, as referenced in Meg Jay’s book The Defining Decade.