This was written last night as I was falling asleep. Mostly written for those who have asked me what’s the deal with Kristin’s Facebook page as well as everything else that happened this past weekend. Read on. :)
It’s 3 a.m., my weekend of traveling through the Old Dominion is over, the Redskins won the first NFL game I’ve ever been to, and I am simply one word: exhausted. This weekend turned out to be about two percent of what I expected it to be. Somehow it also ended up being one hundred percent full of things that I would never change if given the opportunity and I do not regret that.
One firm trait that I’ve developed, especially as I grow into an adult, is to not regret things. Instead, I try my best to learn from them. That founding tenant for my life I have transferred to all of my close and intimate relationships. But I didn’t always do that. I will fully admit that I used to a be a much more selfish person. I didn’t always put the needs of others first – I was determined, above anything else, to show people that I wasn’t someone to be walked all over. This came, I think, from my need to be independent and determined as a kid with a disability. I most certainly always felt as if things needed to be discussed right then and there whenever there was a conflict.
From day one, Kristin taught me otherwise. For this relationship, and others, I am so grateful.
Theodore Roosevelt once said:
Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.
I can’t tell you how much that quote resonates with my life, right now. I’m not one that generally worries about the negative opinions of others. I trust that I have been raised well, have values, and am still developing other values, that assist me toward leading my life in a level-headed, charitable, and successful way, without doing any harm to anyone in my company or near me. I admit, there have certainly been lapses in those values and lapses in judgment – times when I haven’t always represented what I wanted. But like I said – I always tell myself not to regret them but to learn from them. If I keep learning then I feel like I’m living my life in the right direction. Learn and keep fighting.
To that extent, Kristin and I’s relationship has absolutely been one of those things I’ve always felt necessary to ‘fight for.’ When we courted each other, and we began to transition away from being just platonic friends, absolutely nothing was convenient. It was actually quite inconvenient, at times awkward, and at times we both wondered how any romantic relationship between us would be sustainable given the differences in our personality, our backgrounds, our upbringings, etc. I know that some feel as if Kristin and I decided to begin our relationship out of convenience. But, that’s funny to me – because there isn’t really a whole lot about our relationship that has been convenient. Especially now.
As she recovers from her brain injury and continues therapy/rehab, she lives about two hours away from where I am for this winter break from school. Due to human barriers outside of both of our control, she and I hadn’t been able to be together since I went to go visit her a week after her accident. I had made myself available weekly, just to be shot down and denied the chance to visit because of who I will continue to refer to as human barriers, to be kind :). After weeks of Skype, texting, phone conversations, and after she transitioned to understanding her abilities in the context of out patient rehab, we began to think about when was the next time we’d be able to see each other if the timing was right and, literally, if the stars aligned.
I had some good friends who were throwing a family Christmas party closer to where Kristin is living for now, and I realized that several of those friends were mutual friends of Kristin’s and I. One night while talking on the phone, she told me about how only three people outside of her immediate family and their friends had been able to make it to her to visit. I understood because most people don’t spend their entire day thinking about what Kristin is up to and going to visit her, and Kristin admitted that it’s not the most convenient destination for most.
What better way to be of service to someone I care about than to 1. give them access to friends she hasn’t seen in a month(s) and 2. help her feel normal and social, and not as if she’s confined to a space of white walls as a post-traumatic brain injury “patient”. Having been through rehab and having been, at a point in my pre-teen life, on bed rest for SIX weeks (literally, could not move from my bedroom following a surgical procedure) I totally understand how frustrating such a stifling environment can become. It’s definitely not a supreme environment when it comes to optimism and recovery.
So, I posed to Kristin – get permission from your caregivers to come to this party. I’ll pick you up – I’ll bring you home (more than six hours round trip. lots of gas. lots of driving. but absolutely worth it.). I’ll make sure you’re safe – bring the medicines you need, etc. For a week, Kristin sought permission to attend. The initial answer was yes, but the answer was then changed to no. I feel it inappropriate to relay any of the in-between events or the reasoning for the abrupt change in answer, but that’s the cliff-notes version.
Kristin and I decided that the social interaction was good for her in any event. And so I told her the offer was still on the table – whatever she wanted, and was safely within the benefits and best interest of her recovery, I would do. As a boyfriend, what else do you do? Just cave in and say, “sorry?” Ha. When was the last time I gave up on ANYthing? Seriously. Exactly. We are collectively way too determined and stubborn for that.
So, after picking Kristin up and attempting to attend the party with our friends and other family, that plan was canned. More human barriers popped up in surprising fashion, and we realized that our attendance at the party might get in the way of everyone else’s fun. So, we decided to post up and spend the next 24 hours just enjoying each other’s company. The next day, we met up with several friends and continued to catch up before I returned her home that night.
As I drove away and got back onto the interstate, we spoke on the phone, just reflecting on how upset her parents would be amongst other things. I hung up for just a moment, to reset my GPS on my phone, and called her right back – phone disconnected. She had already discovered her computer to be missing when she returned home. And so, I can only assume that somehow Kristin’s social communication has been cut off so that communication is ceased with me.
I felt miserable. I felt as if it was all my fault – while Kristin and I agreed that a 22 year old adult desiring to attend a Christmas party with her friends wasn’t unreasonable, the consequences certainly were. Kristin told me, however, that she didn’t regret anything about the weekend, which inevitably put a smile on my face. It was the first time we had been alone in what felt like ages. She told me that it was the first time she had slept through an entire night since the accident, aside from when she woke to take her medicine. That, right there, made it worth it for me. I felt it was the best 24 hours of my past month, easily – to go from hearing that your best friend is in ICU to being able to spend 24, quality, emotional, bonding hours with them – it was a blessing.
This past weekend, we reflected back on aLOT from our relationship. Namely, one argument that we got into that effectively broke our rule of leaving eachother while mad at each other and almost ended our relationship before it was ever anything official. Long story short, it involved a ton of disrespect to and from both of us, a ton of passive-agressiveness from me (which is not conducive to settling disagreements, might I add), and ultimately me making a decision to remove myself from the argument while not ensuring Kristin’s ultimate safety in the best way possible. Now, THAT is something that I regret and has truthfully been a source of contention since that all happened. But, we’ve worked through it and like I said obviously have come out stronger on the other side, more than a year later. The most ironic part? We tried to remember what the source of that tension/argument was. Neither of us could. Just goes to show how unimportant conflicts and disagreements can be in light of something so much more serious.
So, long story short, after what was a beautiful yet unexpectedly challenging weekend, Kristin probably won’t be able to communicate with everyone that she would like to as quickly or as easily. If she didn’t feel like it was worth it, I would have certainly regretted the entire situation. But I am thankful that we were able to share such a great weekend in each other’s company. Who knows when the next time will be – but I’m going to go ahead and make bets that it won’t be in too long.