Honestly, this blog has been written in so many pieces over the past 3 weeks or so that I decided to finally sit down and hash it out so that it’s presentable. It’s long, so I won’t be shocked if you don’t read it all. It’s kind of rambly and you likely won’t understand all of it, but I wanted to post it anyways – as you know, my blog is like my journal and I use it to look back and reflect from time to time. Thanks for reading.
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Tuesday, December 4th, 2012: Well, I’m going to be real honest in this post. Not that I’m not usually real honest, but pragmatically I don’t tend to post my inner thoughts to a blog that anyone in the world can read, you know? It’s funny how many people, I’ve discovered, think I post every single one of my thoughts on social media/this blog. If you were to run some data about it, it’d probably be a lot closer to like 10%.
Right now, I’m sitting in a guest suite inside of the rehab institute that Kristin is recovering from her accident in. We just spent the last several hours together, the only amount of time that is reasonable in between her rehab and sleep schedule. We laughed together, we caught up together, we ate together, we talked to friends together, we watched Mean Girls together (she’s been bugging me on that one for at least four months now). I’m reflecting a lot on the past two days here, and everything that blew up on social media about the Cascades story – the only two things that happened today really haha. I’m laying here, just being honest with myself. Which, with my busy schedule, isn’t something I get to do weekly. So thankful for down time.
A message from an old friend who lived in her suite freshman year reminded me – It’s been a long time that I’ve known Kristin. It made me think back to freshman year. We met on our first day of college at Virginia Tech. We lived down the hall from each other. I was the social outgoing guy and she was the quiet introverted girl. Typical. Socially, our paths probably shouldn’t have ever crossed, really. I was a little more intentional than that. Our relationship began as friends in passing, and in the years since has obviously blossomed into something more personal, and something neither of us would have imagined back then. I think back to meeting Kristin for the first time, and routinely trying to vie for her attention in a passive but active way at the same time. I was an extrovert, I had made it an initial goal to get to know every single person in my building. It was clear that she was intimidated by me (she debates that…) and really didn’t have any desire to be my friend.
As we got to know each other over the course of that year, to be honest, I hadn’t always known KH as one of the most resilient people. Sometimes, when she got down, she’d be down for a while and it’d take a lot of time and energy to spring her back up. That wasn’t something I realized until our junior year, really, when we made the transition to becoming ‘best friends,’ if you want to put a title on it. We began to transition into real world life after graduation, and meeting all of the challenges that come with that transition. We did it together more often than not and that was probably what solidified the bond behind our relationship. Although tough times were kind of frequent and we got into our fair share of spats for people that spent, literally, at least 12 hours a day in each other’s presence. I remember, emotionally, telling Kristin “You know, it’d be so much easier if we just didn’t keep trying to make this work. What’s the secret behind all of this?” Even though we got along so well, maybe we were just too different. That was an emotional statement – statements I’ve learned to deliver with substantially less frequency if you want to be able to forge any kind of connection with others. For me there was always a light at the end of the tunnel. I was never sure, and still really am not sure, what that light represents, but it’s akin to the same reason that I didn’t feel like it was time to leave Blacksburg after I graduated in May (2012)…I still felt like there was work to be done on my part.
Kristin has always been someone I’ve admired, from day one. It was the little things about her, mainly personal things that I won’t mention here, that really intrigued me about her. Perseverance and determination being two qualities we share that really matter. Otherwise it was in the ways that she was always able to, somehow, get what she wanted. Although introverted, she wasn’t passive about a damn thing. Not just regarding academics or applications to things but in social situations even, even though she wasn’t at the forefront, she just always seemed like she was happy and things were going as she had planned – because you knew she must have had a plan. I realized, in actuality, those feelings only held some merit but it still caught my eye. It was also the way that Kristin consistently pushed me to be a better person. In a world where I believe it’d be quite easy for me to become stagnant, she never allowed that. We celebrate our accomplishments together but we also call each other out every chance we get – it’s a unique balance that I’ve never been able to strike in any relationship. You can imagine how devastating it would have been to lose someone that is such a big piece of your support system and daily encouragement.
Right now, in the face of one of the biggest most difficult and trying challenges of her life, she is really coming through. I am so impressed, so in love, and so…astonished by the power of the human body. I am thankful for medicine. Not only that, but I am impressed by the power of the human spirit. Of HER spirit. I am just in awe. That’s the only way to say it. When its time to buckle down and get things done, Kristin’s always been able to do that. And while most people don’t get to recover and thrive as well as she will, we are bonding in the most unexpected way possible over the fact that we were both given that same doubtful diagnosis, whether pronounced or not. If we’ve learned one thing through this relationship, it’s probably that good relationships are a trade off of support. That sometimes you have to be there for them, and sometimes they are there for you. You hold each other up. It’s never dominated any which way.
But anyways. The other day (the day after Thanksgiving) I made a post on Facbeook about grateful I was that I could see no less than four different doctors in one building for an affordable price thanks to my healthcare. So many people I know are so blessed. Kristin experienced a very traumatic accident, and as I fill in the holes around this blog post (this paragraph written on Dec. 14), she is no longer in rehabilitation and is recovering at home. Most injuries as serious as hers don’t make a full recovery, and everyday she takes steps, figuratively and otherwise, toward recovering fully. I am so proud and, again, so admirable of the strength that she has. Not only physically but intellectually too. Kristin and I, in our relationship, constantly push each other to improve, to try harder, to challenge ourselves. Biggest challenge ever…and she’s beating it. Bigger than any challenge I can ever remember for myself. Admirable.
I have been through therapy before. I realize the annoyance, devastation, upsetness, anger, disappointment, etc. in EXPECTING your body to be able to do something that it has always done. It’s tough because now…it suddenly can’t. Not only can it not, but you want it to, and no one else, you feel, is fully supporting you. You want to make leaps and strides and you don’t realize that rehabilitation is all about moderate progress. You know people are surrounding you to help you get better, but you want no part of it – you just want to make progress. I fully understand that. I remember back to rehabbing after my own injuries throughout life and feeling the exhaustion and like you’re a grandpa for not being on a schedule like the ‘normal’ people that are visiting you. And seeing someone that you love so much go through that themselves…it’s tough, I’ll admit.
I’ve had, easily, one of the most trying months of my adult life late November going into December. I mean, just imagine, being in love with someone and always yearning for their company, their voice, their feedback on everyday things, their touch. And suddenly, you wake up one morning, and that’s all gone. But no, not ALL gone. It’s only temporary, so they say. That is undoubtedly a blessing. Sure, it’s tough to not be able to physically be there for more reasons than one, but distance has never been a catastrophic occurrence in our relationship, brain injury or not. But then imagine that person that you love is doing everything they can to fight back and make sure that it’s as temporary as temporary can be. To get their life back – with optimism, strength, beauty, and will-power, she is fighting so admirably hard to get her life back to the way she wants it. And then if I’m as lucky, someday, I will get the chance to have her back in my life, to continue it in a way that, yeah, may be different, but isn’t anything that God didn’t design for us. Cause, as a new friend told me last week, God doesn’t give you anything that you can’t handle…together.
As I write this post, ESPN is on for background noise. To bring this story full circle, this week is Jimmy V week on ESPN. (Side note: I don’t have cable at home anymore. Long story short, they caught on the fact that there was ahem an error in the system.) If you haven’t seen his infamous speech, it is literally my favorite instance of public speaking in my life, has been since I watched it almost ten years ago, and is the namesake of this blog post. Just in case, here it is for your viewing pleasure:
Ever since I was a pre-teen, Jim Valvano has been one of my idols for the way that he stood up against one of the most trying medical diagnoses known to man: cancer. ESPN just showed the entirety of his speech, and it especially resonated with me as I lay here in the rehab institute, waiting for the morning to come so I can head back to Blacksburg and as I also reflect on how much I love this woman. I am just ever so grateful for strength. I’m grateful for aspirations and goals and the resilience that we need, as people, to meet them.
With my goal of meeting one new person everyday, I meet a lot of people. I’ve gotten close to some people where I’ll bond with them, and I’ll just wonder to myself – if God decided to dish you a HUGE, sustaining challenge tomorrow, would you be able to handle that? Or would you just shy away from the world and wait for it to be over? Even with all the challenges that Kristin and I have faced over the past however many years of our fluid relationship, I’m still impressed and moved by the person that she is and so thankful that she was one of those people that I met. We weren’t always sure that a relationship of any kind was the right move for the both of us but after years of back and forth I certainly think we made the right decision. Even when I wanted to give up, when I was faced with decision-making in the context of situations that I regret (and I don’t regret much), I don’t think I’d change it for the world.
In closing, the best part of this entire post is that these are all things, for the most part, that I’ve obviously shared with Kristin prior to sharing them here. The transparency of our relationship is mind-blowing in my opinion. A few days after her near-fatal accident, I asked Kristin – do you remember the last time we saw each other? She had been suffering from memory loss so I wouldn’t have been surprised or upset but she did. It was in Fredericksburg, and we went with my sister from another mister, Mindy, and her daughter out to dinner at Red Lobster in Fredericksburg. Afterward we went to watch a big display of Christmas Lights near the mall. It was pretty cool, and then we decided to go do a little bit of shopping before I had to run off to a coffee date with my best friend, Hollyann.
Before we departed each other though we got back to our cars, shared a pretty long hug and realized that we probably wouldn’t see each other for about a week and a half when we were both in Blacksburg. As usual, I looked her in her eyes and told her I loved her. She returned the favor with a smile even bigger than mine, and we were on our way.
When I first learned about her accident, while scared, I was also thankful. Thankful for a goal that we implemented in our relationship a while back of never going to bed or departing while angry to each other. Are we perfect at it? Absolutely not. But when it really mattered most it was accomplished. I could have been at peace if that really was our last interaction. So, to you, I challenge you – implement the same goal with someone else that you love. Your relationship will be better for it, I guarantee it.
And there you have it folks. Likely the most honest, real, and introspective blog you will ever see me write. Again, thanks for reading.